Bite me, Red Hickey

It’s Red Hickey’s fault.
Hickey is credited with creating the shotgun formation in football in 1960. I’m sure he was a brilliant human being, but the shotgun formation is really ruining football for me.
I’m an old dude, watched football since I was about 8-years-old. And no, I’m not one who believes everything was better in the 70s. Innovative thinkers create evolution and growth.
Mr. Hickey’s shotgun formation was progress for football. It created a new dimension for both passing and running the football and helped introduce the spread offense. But I wonder if he envisioned his invention eventually becoming the primary formation in football.
I’m an old dude. Did I say that before? I forgot. Anyway, I’m an old dude. When it comes to football, I like fullbacks and tight ends. I like offensive linemen in a three-point stance, and I want to see my quarterback with his hands under the center.
When I see an offense line up in the shotgun on first-and-goal from the 1, an icy chill oozes up my spine. My vision blurs and a tiny blip of drool seeps from the corner of my mouth.
When I share my point of view with young football coaches, they laugh and shake their head in disbelief. I ask why the shotgun all the time and they respond like a parent would answer a child who asked why dogs bark and cats meow.
It’s way too complicated for a guy like me to understand.
Damn you, Red Hickey.
The shotgun formation is great. I just don’t get teams that can’t line up traditionally with a fullback and a tight end and push forward for two yards on third-and-1. Yeah, on third-and-10, get in the shotgun. Dazzle me with your sophisticated crossing routes. Baffle me with your jet sweeps and bubble screens.
But if you can’t get a yard a fourth-on-inches, you suck.
I’ve talked to 300-pound offensive linemen who would rather pass block than run block. What? Seriously?
You’d rather get on your heels and fend off a charging defensive end, playing paddy cake with your hands than put your hand in the dirt, lower your pads, fire off and knock a %$#*&@ on his *&^%#2!?
Really?
I hate you Red Hickey.
Offensive linemen have become fat ballet dancers. Running backs are receivers. Receivers are scat backs. Fullbacks are extinct. Tight ends are too small to block and too slow to play receiver. And the quarterback has become the most important person on the field. That’s what the shotgun has done. Everything revolves around the quarterback and if your quarterback struggles, the offense struggles.
Football used to be the ultimate team game. I liked it.
Now, it’s all about the quarterback and the spread offense and chunking the pigskin around the yard. It’s about hurry-up offenses and pistol sets. The basic center-quarterback exchange now requires an accurate snap from center and a clean catch by the QB before the actual play can even commence.
Should it really be so complicated? So intricate?
Football was never meant to be a dance. It was a manpower sport where players tried to impose their will on their opponents. You’d run the same play over and over until the defense manned up to stop it. Play-action used to mean something.
The sport has evolved, you say. Stop living in the past old man. Those days are gone and they’re not coming back.
And before you ask, no, I don’t miss black-and-white televisions, too.
I like innovation. I love a sophisticated passing attack. Jet sweeps make me giggle with delight.
But if you can’t get a yard on fourth-and-inches … in my opinion, you suck. If you can’t push the ball into the end zone from the 1-yard line, you don’t deserve to win.
That’s football. Or, that used to be football.
Bite me, Red Hickey.